![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
imarciI’m pushing everyone away. Deep down I know why. I don’t want the attachments. I don’t want to feel the pain that still reverberates deep within me from losing my father … one of the most important people in my life. His loss has left such a crater in my heart and soul. It has put me into a mode of emotional survival, a survival that requires I have no deep connections with others. So … I’m pushing everyone away.
I don’t like it, but at the same time, I am doing absolutely nothing to stop it.
Friends that I have known for 10+ years, I am just ignoring. Family that knows the same loss as I, I am ignoring. New acquaintances that make the mistake of thinking I want more than a simple hello, I am throwing a wall in their faces.
I am broken, and deep down, I want to stay that way. I’m comfortable with it. It’s who I am.
I'm in a dark place right now. I need this dark place right now. It sounds counterproductive, but it helps me (somehow, it's warped I know). I wish I could describe the utter relief and calmness that comes over me the second I come home and am able to tune it ALL out. Work, family, friends, worries, emotions, frustrations, the deep-seated anger inside of me, the sadness, the pain ... to just ... shut it all off and sit in utter silence (either with music/games/movies/tv, which is ironic I know).
I don’t want to talk about my day. I don't want to talk about my anger. I don't want to talk about how people make me feel at work, I don't want to talk about politics. I don't want to talk about the weather. I just want to sit in my own little bubble and think nothing, say nothing. I really just don't give two shits. I really don't. No one understands the depth of my apathy at the moment, hell, not even I do.
I have written many entries like this over the last few weeks and I’ve posted none of them. I’m not sure why. I used to turn to writing as an escape, and back when I was younger, it helped me through some really rough patches in my life. Yet, losing my dad is not just a ‘rough’ patch. It’s a life altering reality nightmare. Broken shards of the woman I used to be slice away at this new version but they’re not sharp enough to fully cut her out. So I sit in my own mental torment, and while I know help is within reach… that there are people out there who still love me and want to be there for me… I want none of it. I want the silence. I want the numbness. I want the aloneness. I want to disappear into a cloud of forgetfulness and hope that no one comes searching… that no one cares enough to try … because I cannot lose that person (or persons) too.
It’s just too much.
I don’t like it, but at the same time, I am doing absolutely nothing to stop it.
Friends that I have known for 10+ years, I am just ignoring. Family that knows the same loss as I, I am ignoring. New acquaintances that make the mistake of thinking I want more than a simple hello, I am throwing a wall in their faces.
I am broken, and deep down, I want to stay that way. I’m comfortable with it. It’s who I am.
I'm in a dark place right now. I need this dark place right now. It sounds counterproductive, but it helps me (somehow, it's warped I know). I wish I could describe the utter relief and calmness that comes over me the second I come home and am able to tune it ALL out. Work, family, friends, worries, emotions, frustrations, the deep-seated anger inside of me, the sadness, the pain ... to just ... shut it all off and sit in utter silence (either with music/games/movies/tv, which is ironic I know).
I don’t want to talk about my day. I don't want to talk about my anger. I don't want to talk about how people make me feel at work, I don't want to talk about politics. I don't want to talk about the weather. I just want to sit in my own little bubble and think nothing, say nothing. I really just don't give two shits. I really don't. No one understands the depth of my apathy at the moment, hell, not even I do.
I have written many entries like this over the last few weeks and I’ve posted none of them. I’m not sure why. I used to turn to writing as an escape, and back when I was younger, it helped me through some really rough patches in my life. Yet, losing my dad is not just a ‘rough’ patch. It’s a life altering reality nightmare. Broken shards of the woman I used to be slice away at this new version but they’re not sharp enough to fully cut her out. So I sit in my own mental torment, and while I know help is within reach… that there are people out there who still love me and want to be there for me… I want none of it. I want the silence. I want the numbness. I want the aloneness. I want to disappear into a cloud of forgetfulness and hope that no one comes searching… that no one cares enough to try … because I cannot lose that person (or persons) too.
It’s just too much.
