iMarci

Ugh. I’m freaking out lol. This raiding thing .. I dunno. I watched the fights on Fatboss TV on youtube and a few of them gave me a serious panic attack ha-ha. The mechanics for some of the fights is just absolutely INSNANE. I don’t think I could ever tank. Their responsibility in this final raid is through the roof. BUT it’s not just the tanks. In some of the fights, specific people have to do specific things.

Maybe I’m way more panicked because I have not done ANY of this raid except the first 3 bosses in LFR (and that doesn’t really count). I guess they can’t expect me to go in there and be totally pro considering I haven’t raided in over a year and I haven’t raided since WoD with my old guild (before all the crap drama hit). Because of all that, I have been anti-social for the last year and a half, refusing to even pug … but this guild does seem nice (they did warn me about one guy who might take things way too serious and be kind of dick—so I am sort of prepared for that lol).

I just went ahead and made a single sticky for each individual fight they said they were going to hit between tonight and tomorrow night. Yeah. I have major issues (and I know it) LOL. I just always forget the names of mechanics and when I need to be running or soaking up stuff … so this way I’ll have a quick glance guide on my screen. Usually after running a fight once, I get the hang of it, so this is really just for tonight since I am brand new.

In other news … I suck at normal life man. I get home so exhausted because I am FORCED to be social with coworkers all day long (which tires me out as I’m an introvert). So by the time I get home, all these plans I had to be active (wrap gifts, write cards, write …) are out the freaking window and I just want to unwind with something mindless. Either television or gaming. I think if most people left me relatively alone at work, that would help a LOT, but that’s clearly asking way too much around here.

I know on Friday I am going to be a serious sourpuss because we have a stupid holiday party. I wish they would make these things AFTER hours so people who actually love this shit go, and us who hate it, don’t feel forced into it. That is how 99% of jobs do it!

Also … you know someone is/feels guilty about something when they try WAY too hard to be nice to you. This morning I walked in and found Lorraine talking to the ‘enemy’. Now, she ALWAYS claims that she cannot STAND her (like me), and always talks crap about her with me … yet I have come back from lunch a number of times to catch them having a very ‘friendly’ chat, and Lorraine making ZERO effort to get out of it. Well this morning, I came in and they were both laughing hilariously at something one of them said and the second she saw my face as I came around the corner, she got this look on hers.

So of course, they keep talking (less jovially all of a sudden), but I totally ignore them because unlike Lorraine, I will not sit there and pretend (if she is pretending, I don’t think so sometimes) to like this chick and continue the social engagement. I just ‘uh huh’ everything she says to me distractedly and keep typing away like I am working on a huge project or something, eventually she walks away within a few seconds/min. Once crazy lady goes back to her office, Lorraine is suddenly teasing me when I slurped my coffee a little loud, making weird jokes that make no sense … totally trying way too hard.

I love Lorraine. I don’t know if would still be here if it weren’t for her because she helps keep me sane. AND I don’t care if she wants to be crazy’s friend. What BOTHERS me, is that she talks so much shit about her to me, but then whenever I see them interact, she doesn’t seem the least bit annoyed by her nor does she work to avoid/stop talking to her like I do. So, it just makes me question the trust there. What happens when I am NOT around and she doesn’t have to pretend to dislike her? Does she let slip crap I say? I mean some people are good at getting secrets out of people and clearly Lorraine is weak if she truly DOES dislike this woman, but whenever she’s around pretends to like her. It just really bothers me and I can’t help but be a bit miffed with her right now. I know I’ll get over it, but it really does bother me.

If I don’t like someone, I don’t pretend. I will be PROFESSIONAL if it is work related, but if you want to sit there and spin the conversation out control into personal territory, then I’m out. I don’t have time for crazy people. Crazy lady NEVER says good morning, good night or wishes anyone a good break if we’re going on vacation or a holiday. Yet, she insists on inserting herself into people’s personal conversations like she is friends with people when she makes little effort to be kind unless a conversation benefits her by getting her out of boredom. That to me is an asshole of a person. I don’t like assholes.

Anyway … I don’t think I can handle streaming. I’d been thinking about doing it and was going to try it, but there are a number of things I am really bad at and it would drastically affect the streaming.
1. I suck at multitasking. I find it difficult to keep track of guild chat when I am in a dungeon I’ve done a million times, never mind a RAID where I will have to concentrate 100x more. It would be very hard for me to ‘entertain’ my streamers/read their chat if I’m raiding and what’s the point of streaming if not to show them content?
2. I suck ass at small talk. A lot of the streams I’ve come across it’s a lot of small talk crap, etc. I’m good with direct conversation about deeper topics (like if we got to talk about mechanics, etc … but that’s rare).
3. I do NOT want to be on cam. Guys are perverts even when they think they’re being slick and on the DL. AND 99% of successful streams have people on cam at least once in a while. People like to put a face to the voice. But success does scare me, so this might not be a bad thing actually lol.
4. Tied into that… people are also assholes.
5. And that brings me to this one … I can’t take the heat. I get flustered when I am angry and sound like a total spaz. I wish this stuff rolled off my shoulders like butter, but it doesn’t. It would make me an awful streamer.
6. If this guild thing fails on me, I won’t have real content to stream so what’s the point? I run old content a lot, work on reps, and level alts. Not exactly fun times at the Apollo here lol.

(Break here in my daily update to report that Crazy has struck again. I was talking privately with a coworker and she jumps out of her chair—can hear it creak when she does—and comes out of her office, staring at us for a solid thirty seconds as if waiting for a chance to jump into the convo. I go back to work as I wrap up convo with coworker and Crazy ambushes coworker on her way back to her office, using the last thing she said to me to instigate a crap/nonsense/not work-related/totally useless conversation she clearly doesn’t care about, by her facial expressions, but ANY excuse to chat to use up some time in her day. I CANNOT TAKE IT. Sigh).

7. I’ve been watching a few random streams and I just don’t think I can deal with the type of people that come by to watch. It’s just not for me (the introvert I am, I should have realized this ages ago).

Since I’ve been a reading machine, I went ahead and changed my reading goal from 30 to 50. I might regret that in a month when I don’t feel like reading Ha! I go through phases with it so that wouldn't surprise me.

I am bringing my Kindle eReader with me on the cruise (T-11 days!!). I don't know if I will get a LOT of reading done, but I hope to get in some. I figure while the guys + Trisha are doing activities, I'll sit around reading on the beach or at the pool :P

We cruise for the Bahamas (with a stop in Florida) on Sunday, November 5th. While I have been on this cruise before (the destinations), the people I am going with are different (minus my two brothers). Trisha and three of our guy friends are joining us. I feel like it SHOULD be a lot of fun, but we will see haha. Spending a whole week with people you might only see once a month, could have a different effect than all-out shenanigans. But I am hoping for the all-out shenanigans. I need it.

I need this 'escape' from reality so bad. While my emotions have tapered off from Friday, I still have daily moments of panic that my dad is gone. I still have the sadness and the ache of missing him. That, and I just need a serious break from work.

People around here drive me absolutely bonkers 99% of the time. If it weren't for the amazing vacation/sick-time package, I would have bounced years ago ... but as it is, I will NEVER get another package like this. So I suffer the insanity of the people.

Folks around here think that giving me the 'silent treatment' will work on me. They fail to realize I am an introvert so their silence is 100% appreciated and wanted. Plus, you are in your fucking 60s ... WHY are you acting like a child and trying to give me the silent treatment? (Again, not complaining, just mind-boggling when this happens).

If someone approached you 10 minutes before 5pm (leaving time) on a Friday, and informed you that you had to stay late to use the PAPER CUTTER on a project THEY decided to start at 4:30 (and noticed they wouldn't finish in time), would that not royally piss you off? A project that has ZERO impact on the actual work of the establishment and is an 'extra' side thing they decided to do to make a poster look 'prettier' ... (I shit you not) ... a project that could have been done ALL WEEK LONG, but this person is the epitome of last minute shit. So they were 'upset' that I said no, I was leaving a 5pm and they knew very well how to use the damn paper cutter... SERIOUSLY?!

I just cannot make up half the shit that happens around here. I swear if I told people everything that goes on that drives me insane, most folks would assume I was a pathological liar because half the time I do not even believe that people with Master and PhD degrees act like this on a daily basis. The lack of actual common sense in these people has me in a constant state of 'wtfuckness'. It's so disturbing. Maybe I will write about it here because I really can't make heads or tails half the time.

*deep breath* Anyway ... I can't wait to be sipping fruity drinks in a week (and almost) half. Just escape these people and my life for a short period of time. Get lost in the waves, the books, and the drinks :P

I kind of do want to bring my laptop to try and sneak in some writing on my outline (for my book that I will never publish *sigh*), but I know better. I won't have time to write except maybe in the wee hours when we all go back to our respective rooms, but all Ill want to do then is either read or go straight to sleep.

I really want to publish a book. I've written so many things over the years and never had the nerve, but with my friend BDone trying to encourage me these past two years, I've gotten a little hopeful that MAYBE this time... I will work on something I'd like to actually publish. I dunno. Fear really sucks man. It paralyzes me so much. I am sure authors out there go through this heartpounding, what the hell am I thinking, moments, but they plug ahead. Me? I stumble back, tumble down a hill and land in a deep dark ditch, taking ages to crawl back out and attempt anything again for weeks. *Hangs head* The issues are strong in me.

Oh well... Im gonna end on this note. I am actually reading a book that has me laughing a little too hard at work, so going back to that to avoid these nutcases around me. :D