imarci: (Snoopy Write)
It was a very nice weekend. The weather had been perfection … then Mother Nature has to go and ruin the prospect of spring by bringing us snow tomorrow. Evil bish. Ugh.

Anywho…. On Friday a guildie helped me out and we got the last 3 levels I needed to hit 60 on the horde character, so that I could unlock the stupid Horde end of the new classes/mounts/achievements, etc. I’ll have to actually go and make the characters, just so I can unlock their mounts as well. I’m just glad I got Blacksmithing and Jewelcrafting out of the way.

Saturday I was working on the monk which has the last two professions I need to get the big (75 point) achievement; leatherworking and skinning. I’ve been having a lot of fun leveling her and am actually considering swapping mains in the next expansion to her… but I don’t know. I’ve been a Paladin for SO long. I know the rotation, it’s simple, etc. It’s my comfort, and we all know I never like to leave my comfort zone…. Ever.

Monk’s are a little trickier and procs can make a big difference in the rotation, which can make me anxious. There’s really only one proc for Paladins and they have like five spells total. Monk’s got a bit more. But they’re fun and different, so I dunno. I am definitely thinking about it, and I’ll see how things actually go in the next expansion for each class. Plus, they already have a ret paladin, and I really don’t want to feel like I’m stepping on people’s toes. I know they really want a ranged class… but I dunno. I’ve never been into ranged classes. I mean I guess I could level the lock too and just see how that goes. Gah.

Also, there’s a LOT of sexy mog for leather. I feel like there are a lot more for leather than there is for plate, so I dunno. She’s only level 48 and she’s already rockin’ a sexy mog… haha.

monk


So yeah. That’s weighing on me right now. But anyway… that’s far away and I have time to decide. Saturday I also got the last achievement for the Easter event meta. I swear, there needs to be more undead females. Took forever to get that last one!

achieve

With this Meta done, I have TWO more to finish before I get the really big one “it’s been a long trip” or some crap like that. Though, I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. One of the achievements I need is to have my orphan out on BG’s and do things like capture the flag etc. I hate that shit. So… I may never get it. I just have no patience to battle people to capture a flag in a BG when capturing the flag is technically NOT the actual object (it’s holding towers). PLUS, everyone will be hunting that achievement, so it’s just a serious clusterfuck of bodies and annoying to everyone involved (especially the regular PvP players). Sigh. Blizzard makes shit so annoying sometimes. I wish they’d get rid of that one.

I also gave in and bought the Lightforged Warframe mount from the Army of the Light people’s. It’s a very nice looking mount, but it cost 500k gold, which put quite the dent in my character’s pocket, and now I feel like I have to always use it since it’s redonkulously expensive. NOT as expensive as the spider… but still. It is nice and glowy though … which I do like. These screenshots don’t really do it justice.

mount2
mount1


Yesterday we went over to Nelson and Trisha’s house. They were celebrating their one year anniversary (can’t believe my baby brother has been married a year, geezus). They invited my brother Danny, Trisha’s parents, Trisha’s brother/family and my mom and I. We had some finger food and partook in eating the top layer of their wedding cake, which has been frozen for the past year (a tradition of ours). Surprisingly, it wasn’t awful. Hahah.

Then we all hung out, watch some television and chatted. I feel like I haven’t seen Ava (Trisha’s sis-in-law) in ages. She brought her babies, which aren’t babies anymore… seriously, WHERE does time go? The little one was JUST born but she’s already almost as tall as her big brother, and walking up a storm. It’s great but it just reminds me how fast time is going, and it’s just slipping away. Soon enough Trisha will be popping out a baby or two as well… I can’t wait to have nieces or nephews, but man … time is crazy to me.

We hung out there until almost 11PM. Watched my brother play a scary VR game, which wasn’t that scary and just very weird. I think the Batman VR one was a lot more fun (especially to watch). Got home a little after 11:30PM and decided I wanted to do a little writing. I know… SHOCKING. What’s even crazier? I got two full chapters written before I went to bed. Yeah. I’m nuts. Oh and kicker? I have a TITLE for it already too! I know… the world is legit ending right now.

I’m slowly working on this book today in-between work, but who knows if I’ll stick to it or what. Most likely I’ll give up again in a day or two… as per usual. I just feel like nothing I ever write is any good, but then others read it and they enjoy it. I don’t know WHY I am so damn hard on myself… I really don’t. Anyway … back to writing I go (and hope it continues).

Broken

Mar. 23rd, 2018 10:38 am
imarci: (dark angel)
I’m pushing everyone away. Deep down I know why. I don’t want the attachments. I don’t want to feel the pain that still reverberates deep within me from losing my father … one of the most important people in my life. His loss has left such a crater in my heart and soul. It has put me into a mode of emotional survival, a survival that requires I have no deep connections with others. So … I’m pushing everyone away.

I don’t like it, but at the same time, I am doing absolutely nothing to stop it.


Friends that I have known for 10+ years, I am just ignoring. Family that knows the same loss as I, I am ignoring. New acquaintances that make the mistake of thinking I want more than a simple hello, I am throwing a wall in their faces.


I am broken, and deep down, I want to stay that way. I’m comfortable with it. It’s who I am.


I'm in a dark place right now. I need this dark place right now. It sounds counterproductive, but it helps me (somehow, it's warped I know). I wish I could describe the utter relief and calmness that comes over me the second I come home and am able to tune it ALL out. Work, family, friends, worries, emotions, frustrations, the deep-seated anger inside of me, the sadness, the pain ... to just ... shut it all off and sit in utter silence (either with music/games/movies/tv, which is ironic I know).


I don’t want to talk about my day. I don't want to talk about my anger. I don't want to talk about how people make me feel at work, I don't want to talk about politics. I don't want to talk about the weather. I just want to sit in my own little bubble and think nothing, say nothing. I really just don't give two shits. I really don't. No one understands the depth of my apathy at the moment, hell, not even I do.


I have written many entries like this over the last few weeks and I’ve posted none of them. I’m not sure why. I used to turn to writing as an escape, and back when I was younger, it helped me through some really rough patches in my life. Yet, losing my dad is not just a ‘rough’ patch. It’s a life altering reality nightmare. Broken shards of the woman I used to be slice away at this new version but they’re not sharp enough to fully cut her out. So I sit in my own mental torment, and while I know help is within reach… that there are people out there who still love me and want to be there for me… I want none of it. I want the silence. I want the numbness. I want the aloneness. I want to disappear into a cloud of forgetfulness and hope that no one comes searching… that no one cares enough to try … because I cannot lose that person (or persons) too.

It’s just too much.
imarci: (coffee leaves)

It's been over a month since my last post... wow. Not really surprised though. I've worked on the below post for a number of days but kept putting it off.... but here it is.

I don’t know why my desk is always the hub of conversation. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people just idle around in my personal bubble at work and have full blown conversations with others (myself not included), when every single ONE of these a-holes has an office! I would NEVER, in a million years, step into someone’s office with someone else and just start up a conversation and stand there in their space talking about shit not even work-related.

The lack of respect is absolutely mind-blowing. I really wish people would realize what royal assholes they are, and it makes me blind with rage sometimes (especially if I am already feeling prickly).

I literally just had one co-worker standing right behind me in my small space to chat with two others over the counter of my cubicle for a solid fifteen minutes while I tried to work! This is the shit that drives me bonkers. I wasn’t even in the conversation and she just stood there with these two chatting away all up in my space … WTF is wrong with people? Why do they see any of that as acceptable, but to me I would NEVER do it? Am I the crazy one? I really don’t feel like I am but this crap makes me bonkers and I hate feeling this way almost all the time.

Other than that feeling of rage coursing through my veins right now … life is relatively okay.

The cruise I went on with my friends the first week of November (omg can’t believe it’s already been 1 whole month!) … was wonderful. I had so much fun and I am in shock that we didn’t drive each other insane or fight or come back wanting to murder each other. We actually had a lot of fun together and a great time. The weather in the Caribbean and in Florida was perfection. Last time we went it wasn’t so great (rained in FL and was way too hot/couldn’t breathe in Bahamas). This time, each stop was beautiful.

Here are all the photos that I took from that week. Normally I would have taken a crapload, but I didn't want to be that person that held everyone up. So this is not as extensive as my normal travel shots. Ha!

In Florida we hung out on Cocoa Beach for most of the day and then had a late lunch at one of the local spots right off of it. On the private island we’d gotten a cabana and it was so worth the 500$ that it cost. It had an epic view of the ocean and ship, provided comfortable seating arrangement and was close to the ocean to swim and run back. They delivered food to it and the personal drink servers was like we were millionaires (none of us are even remotely close). It was such a relaxing day, reading, enjoying the breeze, ocean and friends.

Our final stop was Nassau, Bahamas. We got a package to go to Atlantis (their resort there) and it was worth every penny. We got another cabana there near one of the many beautifully built pools and spent the whole day going on water slides, a lazy river (which was far from lazy and I didn’t like the rapids much lol), and drinking strong drinks by the poolside. It was utterly fantastic. Everyone agreed they would do a trip just to the resort for a week if the chance ever arose. Also, the Mayan theme architecture was very well done and I really did love it.

The time we spent on the boat was great until the last two nights. The boat rocked so bad on the way back to NYC that I felt like it was gonna tip over sometimes. Which is interesting because we went the same week two years ago and it only rocked a little on the way to Florida.

Other news...

I reached my second reading goal a few nights ago. My first was 30 books, which I hit around two months ago, and so I increased it to 50. I was going to increase it again, but since it’s already December, I don’t want to push my luck (though I have been a reading machine). Whatever ends up being over, is over the 50.

I added a bunch of new books to my wishlist since I am quickly making my way through my kindle selection since 2014 (when I last read more than 2-3 books). I bought a LOT back then, but I’m burning through it and only have about 80 left (yes, only). I have a bunch of series’ I want to catch up on, but I am hoping to find some new ones once I’m done reading the older books.

My writing has faltered. I don’t know why I get like this. It’s bugging me to all hell too because I have actually been enjoying what I’ve been working on, and really like the story idea. I am letting fear hold me back… again. If I wait too long to continue, I know what will happen. I will lose my connection to the characters, and when I do grow some proverbial balls again, I won’t be able to come back and reconnect with them and will have to start something totally new (again). This is my pattern. I have started SO MANY books (sitting around everywhere) … they all stop somewhere between chapter eighteen and thirty. Sigh.

I wish I wasn’t such a weak ass bitch and would just do this. It’s killing me too because I want to write, but I haven’t been doing it. Man, I have so many freaking ISSUES.

Now that it's December, busy trying to get wishlists together and shopping for people. I'm glad we put a limit this year. I'm not really in the spirit (with dad passing a short while ago I havent really been in the mood to 'celebrate' without him). I know I should get more in the spirit because he loved Christmas and I should continue to enjoy the things he did, but it's so hard during this time of year. 

So ... yeah. My brothers, sister in law and mom set a limit to 100$ for each of us and then Diane and I did $50 and my friends and I have done $25. Which is a little less stressful. Thankfully most have sent me lists this year, so that's a huge help too (instead of trying to come up with ideas for people who have EVERYTHING).  I am hoping to be done shopping by the weekend *fingers crosssed*. 

Anywho. I'm working on some resolutions for the new year (one being to write more here!), so I am sure I'll be back. 
 

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